f l o o d

Lightheaded

it was a nice run, but we all knew it would have to come to and end somday.

yeah, my hair is short.

got it cut today and it's now back to simple boring asian hair. i'm sure all of you will be like, "oh it looks fine ben" when you see it, but that's not the point. i didn't want to cut my hair, but with shirley back i had to contend with three people constantly berating me, and i just couldn't fight it anymore. and as much as shirley can spout off about how it's for my own good and all that jazz, i know that the big reason she wanted me to cut my hair is that she just doesn't like it and that her preference is short hair for guys. so basically it comes down to: my preference doesn't matter. i can't choose for myself how i want to look. i can't choose to ignore any negative impressions people may have of me and decide to do what makes me feel good. well i guess it's not a big deal. i mean, it's not like free will is a God-given human right or anything. or...wait...um...

i don't know why people don't understand that i wasn't keeping my hair long as some sort of fasion statement or to impress others. i had my hair that way for me. it made me more confident and secure in myself. with that hair i wasn't just another asian stereotype. i could speak up in class and not worry about being seen as just another smart asian kid. i could discuss music and more artistic things without appearing to be a little poser asian boy. i didn't have to fear being viewed a certain way. i was free to create new impressions and really be who i wanted. and don't tell me that it was all in my head and that i don't get stereotyped for looking asian. i do. i did for 18 years. don't try to tell me that i don't know my own life. maybe i get stereotyped with long hair too, but it's a stereotype i prefer, and it's one that i can break through more easily. people tell me that i have to look presentable, well has it occured to them that maybe i was presenting exactly what i meant to? maybe i wanted to look a little like a slacker, that way i could surprise them with my intelligence and integrity. i hate the asian boy stereotype, and i hate being cast into it. having long hair gave me the confidence to be real.

and all of you bastards who don't understand that can bite me.

the worst part of all this is that i feel like such a hypocrite for making such a big deal about cutting my hair when i got so upset before when others were making a big deal about me having long hair. it is just hair after all.

ugh...i'm sick of your social standards.

i'm gonna go cry now.

i'll leave you with this conversation i had with yip last night. it's long, but we discussed some good stuff.

naziriteSOG: ohhhh man
jnyip: what
naziriteSOG: i just got back from hanging out with a bunch of shallow, gossipy, worldly women
naziriteSOG: ugh
jnyip: oh
jnyip: enjoy it?
naziriteSOG: geez...i consider myself pretty tolerant of people
naziriteSOG: and i have friends from all walks of life
naziriteSOG: but i have never felt so out of place and repulsed by humanity
jnyip: how so
naziriteSOG: just the degradation of human morality and decency
naziriteSOG: listening to these girls talk...
naziriteSOG: blah blah sex...blah blah this guy and this girl...blah blah sex...blah blah diamonds...blah blah sex
naziriteSOG: i dunno...i guess i've been back in a sheltered christian world for too long
naziriteSOG: i've forgotten what the real world is like
jnyip: hm
jnyip: I guess I never really hang out with worldly women enough to know
naziriteSOG: yes...you are rather sheltered
naziriteSOG: as are most of the people at church i would think
jnyip: but I would say that's a good thing
naziriteSOG: it often is
naziriteSOG: but we can't change the world if we are ignorant of its ways
jnyip: yeah but the less kids know about crap, the better
jnyip: so be it if they get shocked when they get exposed to "real life"
jnyip: they'll be better for it
naziriteSOG: they know it
naziriteSOG: trust me
naziriteSOG: the kids in our congregation are exposed to more than we know
jnyip: yeah
jnyip: is that good?
jnyip: I don't think it is
naziriteSOG: not at all
naziriteSOG: but you can't just pretend that the world is all rosy and go on living in a bubble
naziriteSOG: that's why the important thing is to teach these kids the right values and strengthen them spiritually in church
naziriteSOG: so they can handle it at school
naziriteSOG: and be a light in those situations
naziriteSOG: instead of being dragged into the dark
jnyip: yeah
jnyip: although being at school is essentially being dragged into the dark already
naziriteSOG: hey...you can't say anything mr. homeschooled
naziriteSOG: you know not of which you speak
naziriteSOG: though you are essentially correct
naziriteSOG: but it's not all bad
jnyip: I can say from what I see in other people who went to school
jnyip: and from berkeley
jnyip: which is about as dark as they come
jnyip: although college is different because at that age you're slightly more established in your own beliefs than like a middle schooler
naziriteSOG: college is much different
naziriteSOG: high school it's all about social interaction
jnyip: yeah
jnyip: the whole system is building up the fear of man
jnyip: image
jnyip: all that nonsense
jnyip: it's no place for a young impressionable person to be if he or she wants to become a godly christian
naziriteSOG: and there shouldnt be
naziriteSOG: christians should be right in the thick of things
jnyip: strong christians
jnyip: and even then
jnyip: not really
naziriteSOG: we should be forced to face the world daily and fight battles at every moment
naziriteSOG: the more we separate ourselves, the less effective we are
naziriteSOG: we are not called to be isolationists
jnyip: yeah but you don't send children into battle
jnyip: you send adults
jnyip: spiritually speaking
naziriteSOG: then it's the failure of the church for not equipping people for battle
jnyip: it's the failure of the family
jnyip: and whoever's failure it is
jnyip: kids aren't ready to fight that battle
jnyip: and therefore shouldn't be sent into it
jnyip: it's a slaughter
naziriteSOG: but being in the world is also part of the training
jnyip: 99% percent of kids will not survive that "training"
naziriteSOG: i know
naziriteSOG: but what can we do?
jnyip: not send them there
naziriteSOG: then where do we put them?
jnyip: at this point it's not worth it
jnyip: I don't know about that
naziriteSOG: we christians are already isolated enough
naziriteSOG: i dunno
naziriteSOG: its all f-ed up
naziriteSOG: im sick of kids not willing to make sacrifices
naziriteSOG: the problem isnt that these kids dont know better
jnyip: I mean just look at kids at our church
jnyip: public schools jacking them over daily
naziriteSOG: its not the schools
naziriteSOG: theyre jacking themselves
jnyip: yes thats true
naziriteSOG: this is why i said what i did in my blog
naziriteSOG: everyone blaming the schools
naziriteSOG: blaming the church
naziriteSOG: blaming the families
naziriteSOG: you made bad choices
naziriteSOG: you're not willing to sacrifice
jnyip: but under extreme high influence from schools
jnyip: they spend like 7 hours a day there for crying out loud
jnyip: more time than at home
jnyip: where do you think their major influence comes form
naziriteSOG: tv
naziriteSOG: haha
naziriteSOG: seriously
naziriteSOG: media
jnyip: tv is by far secondary to peers though
naziriteSOG: nope
naziriteSOG: not anymore
jnyip: dude
naziriteSOG: dependency theory
jnyip: your TV is not going to accept you
jnyip: approve of you
jnyip: disapprove of you
naziriteSOG: but it establishes the norms
jnyip: people, however, will
naziriteSOG: peers just enforce them
naziriteSOG: its a widely accepted communications theory
naziriteSOG: where family, peers, social groups, churches, etc used to set the norms and ideals for people
naziriteSOG: its now media
naziriteSOG: and increasingly so
naziriteSOG: peers enforce those norms, but only because they themselves are influenced by the media
jnyip: yeah but without peers it wouldn't make a difference
jnyip: a TV by itself isn't going to make you buy clothes unless it makes eveyone else buy them too
naziriteSOG: but it all goes hand in hand
naziriteSOG: as long as the media says something, your peers will say the same
jnyip: if you live in a deserted island by yourself, you'll never care how you look no matter how much TV you watch
jnyip: throw a girl into the picture, though, and it all changes
naziriteSOG: yeah, maybe if your peers and the media said something different, you'd follow your peers
naziriteSOG: but we're all so saturated by the media, there's no way you can make that argument
jnyip: yeah
naziriteSOG: it's a moot point
jnyip: true
naziriteSOG: an impossible situation
naziriteSOG: and it all comes back to the corporations
naziriteSOG: and money
jnyip: hahaha
naziriteSOG: always money
jnyip: well, bottom line is I wouldn't blame churches for anything
jnyip: churches are support
naziriteSOG: i don't blame the church
naziriteSOG: i blame satan
jnyip: schools are guilty on all charges but I guess you can't ultimately blame them either
jnyip: families, however, I blame wholeheartedly
naziriteSOG: yeah
jnyip: I mean what else is a kid supposed to do
naziriteSOG: but the degredation of families comes from other things as well
naziriteSOG: like...the media!
naziriteSOG: see a trend in my thinking here?
jnyip: hahaha?
naziriteSOG: and the media is controlled by...the corporations!
naziriteSOG: and the corporations do things for...money!
naziriteSOG: and money is...the root of all evil!
jnyip: yeah well, supposedly, adults should be mature enough to be able to properly educated and shield their children from those influences
naziriteSOG: yeah...you wish
jnyip: at least, enough to keep them relatively unharmed
jnyip: hey, it can happen
jnyip: but schools sure dont' make it any easier
naziriteSOG: adults are just children who have been socialized and conditioned longer
jnyip: and theoretically, wiser
naziriteSOG: yeah, right

Posted by bwu at December 27, 2003 01:15 PM