f l o o d

Brick by Brick

ling leung (streams of healing) conference this weekend was...good. i guess. actually, the conference itself was just good, not mind-blowing, but it's beginning to look better and better every moment.

i really felt blocked off during the conference. i mean, it was fun. hanging out with people was good and the music was good and A.J. was wonderful and Mike Conell was great (though kinda scary). when he's speaking you're always afraid that he might suddenly pull you out of your seat and reveal all your secrets to the whole congregation, and he did do that quite a bit. well, not the secret-revealing part, but the pulling people out part. it's quite amazing how right smack on he is with his prophecy. like, creepy accurate. A.J. Mallett was awesome, she's got this great dry, sarcastic sense of humor that i really enjoy and she quite odd. But she is truly a woman of God and the way she's so open and personal brings real depth to her message. she's had a truly painful, but amazing life that's been redeemed by God.

it was really cool hanging out with christina again too. it seems whenever she comes down for these conferences and things we seem to hang out a lot. we got to talking about some of the things she's been going through with relationships and parents and all that, and i discovered a few things. we were discussing some of this stuff with leedah, and leedah's got that prophet heart where it's all TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH! he really gets in there and makes you uncomfortable, but in a good way i guess. and then christina and i were talking about it more and i seem to be the type that really empathizes. i'm the one who knows where you're coming from and shares in your feelings and really listens, but i really don't have the answers and i just kinda depress you even more. then we were talking with jonny, and he's got the amazing ability to make you feel better. he gives you answers and comfort and happy feelings. so i came to the conclusion that we all need to have a leedah at our left and a jonny at our right. one to ask the hard questions, and one to give the good answers. me, i'm just useless i guess. i think christina will be alright though, but i pray that she will find her answers in God instead of having to learn the hard way, because it would break my heart to see that.

anyways, back to the conference. so the stuff going on at the conference is all well and good, but i'm feeling blocked off and hardened the whole time. and i guess i've been feeling blocked off for a long time. i know that it's not about the feelings and getting knocked over and going nutty and all that, but it's been a long time since i've just been blasted by the spirit. i'm kinda sick of feeling like some emotionless robot. but i kinda went through the motions, and i did enjoy myself. but today i was talking to shirley online, and really we were on the topic of some of the stuff going on with school and my family, but God really just started to show me that He was talking to me throughout the conference, and things just started to dawn on me. i guess i'll just post the whole conversation.

naziriteSOG: but i know that this school stuff is only one of the issues i need to deal with
naziriteSOG: and while it is important
naziriteSOG: what's more important is for me to get my life back in line with God
HisPassionSeekR: and how are you going about doing that?
naziriteSOG: whether that's gonna be at Biola or whereever
naziriteSOG: i know there are some sacrifices i need to make in terms of where i spend my time and the things i hold on to
naziriteSOG: i may have just hit the wall academically a few weeks ago
naziriteSOG: but ive been hitting a wall spiritually for over a year
naziriteSOG: the whole time at the conference though the speaker was great and the music was great and there was all sorts of nice stuff going on
naziriteSOG: for me it was like...nothing
naziriteSOG: but God did plant a little something in my head
naziriteSOG: that the reason i don't feel His presence is that i don't know what His presence feels like
naziriteSOG: and that's something i need to find in my own time with Him
naziriteSOG: and im sorry but i cant be concerned with anything else more than i am concerned with that
HisPassionSeekR: well then i hope you take the steps to sacrifice what you need to and to spend that time finding Him
HisPassionSeekR: if He told you that much, it means He's looking for you
naziriteSOG: i mean can you imagine that? how long have I been going to church? how many emotional and spirtual experiences have i had? how much have i done and served?
naziriteSOG: but i dont KNOW Him
naziriteSOG: i don't really know Him
HisPassionSeekR: it's not so uncommon
HisPassionSeekR: but i really hope that you will use this realization and get to know Him
HisPassionSeekR: as much as we are able to know Him at least
naziriteSOG: and i dunno...maybe that fact should have broken my heart at the conference and left me a sobbing mess
naziriteSOG: but i guess its just dawning on me now that that's everything He was saying to me this weekend
naziriteSOG: even though i got glimpses of it before
naziriteSOG: and maybe my heart's just become so hardened that it's taking a long time for this little message to seep through
HisPassionSeekR: i think it has... listening to you talk
HisPassionSeekR: not just now, but the past year
HisPassionSeekR: nothing He said was moving you, nothing around you was really moving you
naziriteSOG: i dunno
naziriteSOG: i feel like for a long time now ive had this wall up
naziriteSOG: and ive been stading in the wind and the waves
naziriteSOG: and theyve been hitting this wall
naziriteSOG: and its just enough to sway me
naziriteSOG: to shake this little building ive put up a bit
naziriteSOG: but nothing's getting through
naziriteSOG: and the walls have to come down
naziriteSOG: and its not gonna be a big powerful conference experience thats gonna tear them all down at once
HisPassionSeekR: no it's not
naziriteSOG: but God wants to remove it brick by brick
HisPassionSeekR: ok
HisPassionSeekR: so what does that mean?
HisPassionSeekR: does that mean you just sit back and let God do that?
HisPassionSeekR: or are you going to seek Him and cooperate a little
HisPassionSeekR: allow Him to come in
naziriteSOG: no, it means this is gonna take a while
naziriteSOG: and the first thing is for me to let him
naziriteSOG: to want him to
naziriteSOG: and i dont even know if im at that place yet
HisPassionSeekR: ben, if you're not, then He just might try to tear it away all at once... and teach you the hard way, have you thought of that
HisPassionSeekR: with what may happen once you find out your grades
naziriteSOG: yeah
naziriteSOG: i know
HisPassionSeekR: i mean this has happened so many times now, and it seems as though you haven't come up from under it
naziriteSOG: i guess we'll see
HisPassionSeekR: i pray for grace, for all of our sakes.... but i pray that He would also get your attention somehow
naziriteSOG: yeah...well i know that probably wont be pleasant
naziriteSOG: maybe he'll be able to do it the nice and easy way if i can start disciplining myself to really start spending time with him
HisPassionSeekR: well mom and i are still hoping for the best.. that God will be merciful and show you favor
naziriteSOG: but it may take me hitting the bottom
HisPassionSeekR: do you really want to learn that way?
naziriteSOG: do i want to? of course not
HisPassionSeekR: i thought that the bottom was already hit
HisPassionSeekR: well, then spend that time with Him
HisPassionSeekR: take those steps
naziriteSOG: oh, theres always another bottom
HisPassionSeekR: come before Him and surrender your life
HisPassionSeekR: not just in the "oh well it's out of my hands" kind of way, but to really take responsibility and be faithful in where He has you
naziriteSOG: ive heard those words so many times theyve lost all meaning
naziriteSOG: i dont need the cliches, i just gotta do it now
naziriteSOG: and by now i mean right now
naziriteSOG: i think He's trying to tell me something
naziriteSOG: and i gotta go listen
naziriteSOG: ttyl

and so at that point, that's what i did. i went and had a nice little God time. nothing earth-shattering but i got in some good prayer and spent some good time in the Word. and while it doesn't seem like much, it was the first time in a very long time that i've really sat down and spent time like that with God. and before i knew it almost an hour had passed and i found that it wasn't hard. i just stopped doing what i was doing and spent some time with God. it was really quite easy. and that's what i need to keep doing. that's how God will break down the walls i've built up. that's how i will learn to hear His voice and grow to trust Him. and that's how the rest of my life will work out. so pray for me and keep me accountable please. because i really would rather learn this way then hit the bottom and learn the hard way.