f l o o d

Big Brother is Watching You

something has dawned on me recently. well, maybe not recently as i've had these thoughts in the back of my mind all along, but i feel like talking about it now for some reason.

for the last 5 or 6 years, i've taken on the role of "gay guy friend" or "big brother" for most of my female friends, and i've been very happy with that. i've prided myself on being the guy that my friends can turn to without feeling threatened or having to worry about how i see them as a male. i like being the guy that doesn't only befriend a girl because he's attracted to her and who is there to listen and offer honest opinion. and this has worked out well for me as most of my closest relationships over the last several years have been with girls, and even at this point in my life i'd much rather have girl friends than a girlfriend.

while i can't say i have never been wistful about having someone there to care for and to care for me, i can honestly say i haven't felt a pressing, dire need to be in a relationship for a long time. however, i can't help but think that all this "gay guy friend/big brother" stuff is gonna come back and bite me in the butt. you all know my views on dating and you know i'm not the type to just go out there and jump into a relationship. i think for me, anyone i dated would have to be someone i really knew as a close friend beforehand. first off, i just don't have the social aptitude to go out there and hook up with someone i don't know, and secondly, that's just the way i work. i can find people attractive in terms of physical features or even personality, but i have to really know someone to even be comfortable with them as a friend, let alone see them as more than a friend. so, in light of all this i wonder, how will i ever shed the "gay friend/big brother" persona when the time come that i do want to move beyond friendship? have i already grown into this image so much that any girl i know would just think "oh i could never go out with ben, he's too much like a brother to me?"

just last night a friend i've made here at biola said that she already saw me as a big brother. now i really don't mind that because she's a sweet kid and her real big brother is all the way back in hawaii, and it would be a privilege to play that role in her life here, but it got me thinking. i willfully present myself as a non-threatening friend to girls. it has taken a great deal of effort to try to suppress any selfish desires i have and to try to view all the girls i meet as sisters, but i'm not a kid anymore. as my peers begin to settle into relationships, i can't help but wonder if it may be time for me to start opening up to the idea of possibly looking at a girl as more than a friend. now i don't want to start looking at every girl i know as a potential, and i would hate to turn into one of those guys that can't really be trusted as a friend, but is it time to start thinking about all that "how should i behave/talk/look/smell so that girls may find me attractive" stuff? i really don't want to do that. i have enough trouble being open and comfortable with people as it is.

it's funny, as i type all this out and think it over in my mind, it's dawned on me that i already know what i need to do. i know i'm not in a place in my life right now where a relationship would be beneficial. i need to be able to focus on God and on my responsibilities and i know that i still have many flaws that i need to work on before i can have a stable, Godly relationship. so until the time comes when God tells me i'm ready and puts someone in my life that i want to spend the rest of my life with i'm just gonna keep doing what i'm doing: being a brother. and i guess i knew that all along.