f l o o d

Thoughts From the Shower Vol. 3

why am i on the topic of relationships yet AGAIN? must be this damned biola atmosphere. Bridal Institute Of Los Angeles, indeed.

and why am i writing these personal things on my blog where anyone can pop in and read them? i don't know. i must be crazy or stoopid or something. just take it as my dedication to keeping you, my readers, entertained.

i think people get the sense that, since my stance on relationships is to avoid them and i'm comfortable with this gay guy friend thing i've got going, i'm never attracted to any girls and it's oh so easy for me to just look at girls as sisters. that, of course, is not true. as pseudo-gay as i may be, i am still a guy, and i deal with the same emotions that all guys do. and so yes, i have found myself liking girls in the past. so why have i never pursued a relationship then? is it just because i've always been to sissy to approach the girl or i'm a blithering idiot who doesn't know what he's doing? maybe. i mean, the whole "no dating" thing was a no brainer in high school, but how and why have i maintained it throughout college and even now to the ripe old age of 21? my answer in the past has always been that it's because i'm not ready. while this is true and i do recognize many things in myself that need to be be worked on before i can carry out a healthy, Godly relationship, what is also true sometimes is that, not only am i not ready, but "the girl" (sorry, you're not getting anything more specific than that), isn't ready for me. say, for example, she already has a boyfriend. like i've mentioned before, i could never come to like a girl unless i was already close friends with her, so in this case i often become a confidant in matters regarding their relationships. and i don't take this lightly, so i have to choose to act as a friend and brother, putting aside my own feelings.

so why don't i ever reveal my feelings to "the girl?" well, as i see it, one of two things can happen. first, she shares my feelings (which i have never even dared to dream of in any case), and breaks up with her boyfriend for me. i would never do this. i am strongly in favor of maintaining your commitment in almost any circumstance. the only time i ever recommend breakup to a friend is in cases of abuse, adultery, or total assholism (in which case you probably shouldn't have been in that relationship in the first place). so i refuse to be the guy who comes in between two people in a relationship. i don't think it's right and i just won't do it. second scenario, she doesn't share my feelings and it messes up a good relationship which i value highly. "maybe you can do this without messing up the friendship," you might say. well, there has only one instance in my life where a close friend has told me she liked me and we were able to move on without it becoming awkward (and even then, we had to get through an awkward period). every other time, it changes something in the relationship. so what do i do then? what i always do, i back off and, in God's strength and provision, try to think and act as a brother and friend towards "the girl" until something either changes with me or with her.

and there you have it ladies and gents, ben's (not so) simple formula to being the gay guy friend who hasn't been in a relationship in his life. yay. it's not a road i'd recommend for everyone (cuz it can be frickin' hard), but it's the path i've chosen to walk, and i know that God will be faithful and fulfill my desires in His time. again i'm wondering why i just wrote all this in my blog. maybe i won't even post it...ehhh. whatever. but if you want to ask me what's making me think about all this or who "the girls" have been, don't bother, cuz you won't get an answer.

Posted by bwu at October 1, 2004 04:18 PM