Joelogon's Foolproof Guide to Making Any Woman Your Platonic Friend
You meet a girl who you know could be the one. She makes your toes curl, your stomach knot, your mouth dry -- you become even more of a gibbering idiot then you usually are. You're so incapacitated in her presence that you can't ask her out. You decide that things will be better once you get to know her better, so you become friends. You become best friends -- so good, in fact, that you can't bring yourself to ask her out. Yet there is this nagging voice in the back of your mind that says you could be more than friends. You swear that you will tell her how you really feel. Right before you can do this, she tells you:
"I'VE MET THIS REALLY GREAT GUY"
DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why she does not pick up on them.)
DO listen to all her problems with men:
DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy
DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.
DO create a web page that is vague enough to be relevant to the masses, yet specific enough so that the one, special platonic friend you've been carrying a torch for reads it and comes to her senses.
Posted by bwu at November 3, 2004 10:50 AMhmmm sad...so which temple will you be staying at? are you going to be one of those monks that shaves their heads bald or have a circle crop on top? hitting your heads with big books as you chant?
Posted by: marie on November 3, 2004 06:49 PMhahahaha
That's like that one scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
When in doubt, act like your life is a movie and ask what you would be saying to yourself if you were in the audience. Then, the hard part, take your own advice, no matter how bad it may seem at the time.
To make this a little more irrelevant: "Do or do not, there is no try."
Posted by: Brian on November 4, 2004 11:44 AM