f l o o d

My Ass is a Block of Ice

snowboarding = fun. me = sore.

pictures of the trip up at john kua's gallery

we're replacing all the carpeting in our house with hardwood flooring right now, so everything is in disarray. we have to move everything, so after today i'll probably have to take down my computer and won't have internet access for a day or two.

The Real Thing

the updates here are rare these days, but i doubt anyone still reads this thing anyways. i update my xanga more often than this thing, and those posts are fairly scarce themselves, and don't actually discuss my life. all that site serves to do is drop hints as to my current...errr...emotional state.

but behold! out of the depths comes an actual new post, complete with ranting and a semi-update of my life. read on if you're actually interested.

so i've spent one complete semester at biola. it was...good. sometimes. great at times. i went into this new stage of my life filled with both anticipation and trepidation. the last three years have been a time of breaking and rebuilding for me with God tearing down all of my self-built supports and raising me up from the depths a new man. going into biola, i knew that i had yet to learn all the lessons i needed to. there were still habits that needed changing and mindsets that needed shifting. however, i felt that going to a place where i could continue to progress academically (something that couldn't be said about de anza) and also grow spiritually would be a good place for God to continue to shape me. at the same time, my mind was still filled with questions. where are my studies leading me? what is God's purpose for me at biola? am i ready to leave home again and be away from the church that i consider home? has God reformed me enough for me to be a focused, successful student? the answer to that last question, i found, was a solid "no."

i suppose i was fairly successful academically this semester, at least for a while. having professors that truly care about you both academically and spiritually was a huge help. however, as the semester progressed i found myself slipping back into old traps and bad habits. i found this immensely frustrating. all i've been through the last three years from my failure and depression at davis to my almost miraculous acceptance to biola should have brought me to a point where i saw the importance of my education and sought God to lead me through it. but i found myself again procrastinating, missing class, and generally uninterested in anything pertaining to academics. and this time i didn't have the same old excuses of having professors and classes i didn't like (except in one case). i ended the semester very poorly, and my strong start may be the only thing that helps me pull out decent grades for this term.

however, despite my continued struggles, there were many things at biola that i have really come to appreciate. being amongst a community of believers has its benefits, especially when you're struggling and you need someone to pray for you. true, many of the students are ignorantly conservative, but i try not to hold that against them. don't get me wrong, i don't have a problem with being conservative. all of my profs are conservative, and they, as well as some students i've talked to, can logically and coherently defend their views. they know what they believe and why they believe it. there are just so many christians that seem to have these political views because they grew up with them and they believe that as christians these views are the only "Godly" or "correct" ones to have. that i just can't stand. i'm definitely more politically and theologically liberal than the average biolan, but that hasn't kept me from learning a great deal from my profs and fellow students.

one prof in particular that has greatly influenced me in my short time at biola is dr. ken berding, my Bible and Spiritual Formation prof. he is truly an amazing man of God. he lives out a Biblical lifestyle of self-sacrifice, seeking God, and immersion in the Word more than any man i have ever met. he spent many years in ministry overseas and helped to found the church in an area of turkey that was once considered the most unreached area of the world. get this, he didn't start A church there, he founded THE church there. he doesn't just memorize scripture, he memorizes books of the Bible. one day in early in the semester he started quoting some verses from one of paul's letters. instead of stopping at one or two verses he got so into the Word as it emanated from his lips that he closed his eyes and just kept going, speaking forth verse after verese with increasing passion and emphasis. wow. this is a man who knows the word of God. and even with all this passion, knowledge, and experience, he is still one of the most humble, soft-spoken men i've ever met. i'm taking a new testament class with him next semester solely because i want to continue to learn from him. his love of the Word of God has molded every aspect of his life. i want to learn this hunger for scripture that he has.

one thing that dr. berding discussed in class one day that has got me thinking is the growth of the american church. he mentioned that the way the church in america grows isn't through evangelism, it's through siphoning off christians from other churches. this really struck a chord with me. while we may see individual churches grow in number, the Church as a whole in america is not truly growing because as one church grows, another gets smaller or dies off. i find this really disturbing. are we as a church truly furthering the kingdom if we are not going out and winning new souls for the Lord? if river of life grows to 5000 members, but only does so by taking 5000 people from other churches, what good have we really done? each time i come back to our english congregation on a break, the group just looks younger and younger. i realized that the only way our congregation grows is from the influx of seventh graders that we get every year. because of this we are becoming more of a youth service than an english service. i don't mind having a growing youth group, but this is not supposed to be only a youth service, and ralph is not supposed to be only a youth pastor. i imagine it must be frustrating for him having so many of the older people that he's developed relationships with and seen grow in the Lord leave leave for school, and for him to become pretty much a youth-leader/baby-sitter again. honestly, i see so little left of the church i grew up in. there are some people that are truly seeking, but it just seems to be getting harder and harder. great worship music just isn't enough anymore.

this post is getting long and i'm sure you stopped reading long ago, so i'll take this time to discuss some of the personal things that have been going on in my life....haha, just kidding. you're not gonna get that from my blog. you'll have to settle for cryptic messages and bad poetry.

merry CHRISTmas

The Long Haul

i'm heading back up to san jose tomorrow morning. it's hard to believe this semester is over. i probably could have done better...actually, i definitely could have done better, but i'm ready to move on. my first semester at biola has been long and strange; a time of learning academic, spiritual, and life lessons. i'm so ready for this break, but for the first time in my life i am actually eager for school to start up again. there is something drawing me back, and no, it isn't the homework.

6 weeks is a long time. 2500 miles is a long way. but God's grace is all surpassing.

Let's Boogie

johnny depp as a tim burton directed willy wonka...wonderfully weird.

"chewing gum is really gross. chewing gum i hate the most."

Glargh

i'm so ready for a break. i'm upset at myself for falling back into old traps and bad habits at the end of this semester. i was going strong and keeping my grades up, but things have been slipping. i've been distracted lately, and when i'm distracted the first thing to suffer is my schoolwork. i really need to learn how to handle my emotions better. i can't let them interfere with what needs to be done. i'm just dealing with so many new emotions for the first time, i haven't quite figured out how to handle them all. i suppose most people have their entire adolescence to learn to cope with these things, i put it off for 21 years and now i have to learn all at once. sigh.

pleasepleasepleaseplease

latest rumors are saying that the nhl and nhlpa may be close to a deal that will bring nhl hockey back by late january. in case you didn't know the league has been locking out the players because their bargaining agreement has expired and the league wants a salary cap in the new one. if these rumors are true i'm going to be ecstatic. of course, if they're not i'm just going to be more crushed because now my hopes are up.

of course nobody in the united states even noticed that hockey was gone anyways. i miss my sharks.

Amaya

she's a big pup pup now

fascinated by the camera

One More

one more lesson...

i'm learning the folly of despair

it's time to really have faith in God's plan and find my security in Him.